Blog and Articles
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Dialogue to Understanding
The purpose of Dialogue to Understandingis to create a place to ask questions and begin a dialogue about relationships and personal well being. Additionally, I will be posting general thoughts and theories related to relationships and personal well being.
If you wish to ask questions or comment anonymously please write to me at [email protected] . I will use a "Dear Abbey" format in posting responses. That is, if you sign your question, or situational dilemma "Frustrated," I will post my response by addressing you as, "Dear Frustrated,".
- Behind the Aggression
Aggression and anger are natural feelings we all have. They are loud and demanding feelings. In fact they are so loud and demanding that we often do not hear the more vulnerable need that anger and aggression are protecting us from feeling. There is no conversation which aggression improves or need it actually satisfies unless we are sadists or sociopathic. To get behind the aggression we must slow down and reflect before choosing our words and actions. Slow down, slow down, sloooow down. In slowing down we can ask ourselves questions like, "What do I need?" "What is the quiet feeling behind the aggression?" When we slow down we can learn to see and be honest with ourselves and others about our feelings and needs in a way that actually works.... - Coming to Our Senses
The expression “I came to my senses” is interesting and important for a number of reasons. One dimension of the expression is that there is a strong implication that reason and intellect are not enough to feel or be sane in any given situation. That at least part of what grounds us is being present with our sensory experience. The habits of the mind in modern (especially urban) culture are to always be racing, planning, multitasking to end of being more productive and efficient. We call this ambition. The problem is when we spend too much time in the realms of the future we become disconnected from experiencing the world as it is right knowing the present. When we are disconnected with our senses we are disconnected from an important part of ourselves that keeps us grounded and centered. The more grounded and centered we are the better we can connect w... - The Value of Confusion
When clients tell me they feel confused, I generally tell them, “Confusion is wonderful.” This comment is often met with laughter or a quizzical look. I go on to explain, “The feeling of confusion tells us we have left the known.” The known that most of my clients are leaving is the familiar discomfort of unhealthy habits of behavior (i.e. codependent/ enabling relationships, addiction, dysfunctional work environments). The known often has to do with compulsively acting in certain fear based ways to avoid difficult feelings. For the codependent this might mean saying, “Yes” to things they may feel are not right for fear of disapproval or abandonment. For the addict, it may mean choosing to numb difficult feelings through drugs and alcohol. For those in dysfunctional work environments it may mean continuing to “try to make it work” ... - The Problem of Aggression
There is an expression in the recovery communities, “There is no problem that having a drink won’t make worse.” In regards to interpersonal communication and relationships it can be stated with the same certainty, “There is no problem that adding aggression to won’t make worse.” Aggression is a natural response to feeling challenged or threatened. What does the feeling of aggression really tell us? It tells us that we do not feel safe and we perceive a need to protect ourselves... - Learning to Be Honest
The first definition of honest in Webster’s dictionary is “free from fraud and deception.” What prevents us from being honest with ourselves and others? It is my personal and professional experience that fear is the primary obstacle that separates us from honesty. We lie to others because we are afraid of their reactions or we want to be seen a certain way. We lie to ourselves generally to create alignment between our actions and our sense of identity when these two are in fact not in alignment. One type of dishonesty is justifying acting out of anger. With the exception of genuine sociopaths people are decent and prefer to been seen that way. When we yell, curse, or act vindictively towards another we are not being decent. There are many ways to bring our action... - Trust, Fear, and Being Scared
Fear and being scared have different meaning within the work we do to heal. Fear is the feeling connected with our emotional history. It tells us we cannot or should not do certain things because there has been bad or unpleasant results in the past. A commonly experienced fear is that of trusting other people. If our parents were not emotionally available, or we were in some way violated emotionally or physically as a child or in earlier relationships our brain which is primarily interested in its own survival can come to the conclusion that people are not to be trusted. While this type of emotional logic may have kept us safe in our younger lives it does not serve us in our efforts to heal, connect, and have relationships that are expansive. I am not suggesting that caution be thrown to the wind and that everyone is to be trusted... - Dealing with Our Feral Brain
Our brain for all of its complexity has one objective- survival. As such it often processes information (which is all emotions are) in theses terms. It tells us things like, “You must have you way now or you are going to die,” “This person must understand me now or I am going to die.”
Better Relationships in 2015
How can we make our relationships more expansive? We must let go of the idea that we can control other people and force our will upon them. The only things we have control over are our intentions and our actions. That is our part and as adults we are fully responsible for it at all times. When we show up honestly and curiously to our relationships we create a space and invitation for others to honestly be themselves with us. When we feel misunderstood or hurt we need to remember what we really want is understanding and connection not to control or punish. The safety we seek through attempting to control and punish others simply does not work. Safety is built by consistently showing up in a manner that respects ... - Something for You
The holiday season has a way of making many of us feel a little (or a lot) crazy. Financial pressure, family expectations, colder weather, shorter days, changes in routines all can lead us to feeling out of balance. When we are not centered and feeling stress we have a tendency to act out in various ways (i.e. being short with people, drinking too much, or being obsessively busy).
The Gift of Connection
Connection is one of the most important human experiences. It is the foundation of trust. So what can we do to increase our sense of connection and invite others to connect with us? One answer is that we can intentionally and actively seek it. To do so our actions and communications need to be honest, respectful, and consistent. We need to be both more humble and more curious when it comes to other people. Dialogue guided by internal questions like, "Who is this person?", "What matters to them?" "What do they find interesting?" "What is meaningful? "can create a space to engage and exchange thoughts and feelings. The participation in this process is connection. When we feel safe...
Articles
Please click on the articles to read
Communication, Relationships and the Power to Change
The Impact of Infidelity on Children
A Locavore Goes Home for the Holidays: How to Avoid Clashing with Family Over Food